There is a point in time in the night when you lay awake thinking about past regrets. As you think back about all the wrongs you have done, nothing seems to be right. Things that should have been said instead of the lies that twisted around you till you are consumed by them. The sorry that was never told to the old friend that could have made things different. I can recall so many conversations gone wrong and all I ever did was change the blame and build up the walls. I hide behind the walls afraid of being wrong, afraid of people knowing I was wrong all along. I hid for so long that I forgot who I was. Now as I sit here in a dark room lit by the laptop in my lap, I can not help but think about the paths taken. The paths I took that got me to where I am now. The things I would do differently constantly haunt me as I walk to class. The ghostly images of a life I will never know hiding behind my closed eyes. Dreaming of the what ifs as I fall into a troubled sleep again. Obsessing over the bad choices determined to never make the same choice. Afraid to fall in fear of not being able to get back up. A cruse of a maddening obsession over the wrongs. I can’t stand it anymore. I am not perfect and yet I am terrified to be anything less.
I am created flawed. Born into the evil known as man. No one can escape it. No one can cure this disease. The paths chosen are selfish and hurtful.
Now I am here trying to understand why I have made these choices. I simply can not say I made a choice for one reason or another. I believe we have already chosen all the choices we will ever make. Life is understanding why we made those choices. Why have I chosen the paths I have. Trying to decode the hidden message behind the past. Trying to decode who I am. Trying to read between the lines to know what I am meant to do. We are all here for a reason and I just hope to find why I am here before it is too late. I am drowning in the sea of faces. My strength to keep searching is failing. I just want this life to mean something. I am a speck in the universe that feels so small. I want to start over then maybe I could find the purpose for me. All I know that no one could know how I feel. You would have to walk a thousand miles in my shoes to see how I view everything. I stand for something most people do not. I am not afraid to die. Could you be able to fit in my shoes? Would you take the paths I took or chose differently? Could you stand when all your strength has failed you. Can you carry the weight that I have on my shoulders? I do not know, but what I do know is that I am struggling with it. It is like trying to swim up river with a parachute on my back, it would be so easy to let the current sweep me away. I will take this weight to the grave. I take other peoples weight upon my back till it breaks. Just as long as they no longer have to suffer. There is so much pain in this world and if I could just take some of it away it would be ok. The question is can you do the same? Can you carry the burdens of others with your own? Can you break though barriers that I can’t? Stop the flaws I have? You are given the shoes that fit you, so wear them.
So, after telling myself that I can save my money and not spend it on feeding my addiction to shopping. I caved in after a week :/ feeling kind of shitty for it too, but those shoes were calling my name.